“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
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ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
crying
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
*sprains wrist doing sports
“MY NACHO HAND!”
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don’t have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami