PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
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When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
I shall plucketh thine eyes from ye skull and make kebobs but with bendy straws instead of skewers cuz those are dangerous
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
She complained to me that she found her boyfriend’s picture on a dating sight then got mad at me for asking why she was on the site. I should never answer my phone pre coffee.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles