On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
You Might Also Like
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
[interview at bank]
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I’ve been told I’m a terrible bank robber
Interviewer: what
Me: *looking at fish tank* so is that the safe?