‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
You Might Also Like
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
My buddy: “Yeah spring break, man! Have an awesome one!” *hangs up*
Me: *Covered in blood and barricaded into a room in Castle Dracula, screaming into phone* “NO! BRING STAKE! BRING STAAAAAKE!”
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
My neighbors still have their Christmas wreath on the door. I was gonna knock to complain, but I don’t like confrontation so I just stole it.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
If you think you’re having a bad day, the lady who took my order in the drive-thru asked me if my order was to go.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
[getting a ride home]
Me: ok keep going straight here
Train engineer: stop saying that
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I didn’t come here to be called names
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.