Me: goodnight moon
Moon: It’s 6pm
Me: I know but I’m tired
Moon: I literally just got here
You Might Also Like
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Eats one hamburger- I’m full
Eats 10 tacos – I’m still hungry
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
HELP 😭
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea