[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
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[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
3% human
97% stress
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
peak technology
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!