I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
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*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.
Hold the door for your girlfriend. Listen to the door. Tell the door everything will be okay. Leave your girlfriend for the door.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Twitter- Have you ever slept with a married man?
Me- Never, just ask my husband.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”