Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
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Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
“You’d better run, egg!”
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”