I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
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[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Simple enough.
I falcon love using swear birds
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir
me: can i get 7
her: no
me: 8
her: no
me: 9
her: no
me: 10
her: you can’t do this forever
me: are you even familiar with numbers
her: yes?
me: 11
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Me My dog
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.