Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
You Might Also Like
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
since people are posting their 2022 accomplishments I’d like to share that in April, I went to put a bowl of soup in the microwave but absentmindedly stuck it in the oven and spent 10 mins freaking out that the microwave had somehow zapped my soup into the void
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
As a precautionary measure, the last time my mom asked me to help with her phone, I made sure to delete the Twitter app.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot