Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
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My coworker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in North Dakota back in 1973 and didn’t try going back to it for 30 years but he finally did and the moment he stepped in someone yelled “Get the hell out of here Dennis” And that’s probably my favorite story ever
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
not for long
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Next time a job interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years, say “Why TELL you when I can SHOW you?” then just sit there for 5 years.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“We’ll see” is Parentese for “No.”
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
The first one, obviously