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I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
When I found out WAP didn’t mean wealth and prosperity I really regretted my comment in my niece’s graduation card 🤦🏼♂️
forgive me baja for i have blast
[Inventor of scented candles]
What if we made candles that could fill up a room with a lovely smell but made a disgusting smoke that would undo hours of scent when blown out?
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…