5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
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11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Look son, every man is nervous the first time. Just take a deep breath, walk up to her, look her in the eye and ask her for directions.
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
no such thing as a dumb question
Dogs are lucky because no one cares when they bite people who antagonize them. Even after a warning, people still freak out when I do it.
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
TT: At sunday dinner I like to perform an impromptu puppet show with the roast chicken. This week it’s my interpretation of Die Hard 2.
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…