I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
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I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 01: so they just bake?
ME DURING BRITISH BAKE OFF EPISODE 10: alice better mind the claggy weather if she’s to produce a biscuit with a proper snap after disappointing paul with an garish proof on her loa
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Me: So Christ’s body is the bread?
Priest: yes
Me: and he rose from the grave
Priest: yes…
Me: because of the yeast?
Priest: no
Me: okay, none of this makes sense
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Me: please, I’ve tried everything
Dry cleaner: we don’t do Tupperware
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale