I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
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Look, if you’re worried about hidden cameras in your Airbnb, just send me in ahead of time. I’ll put on a little show in every room, and the owner will pull any and all hidden cameras no sweat.
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Me: “Hey kids, I’m gonna go downstairs and watch the #football game anyone want to come watch with me?”
5-year-old: “You gonna have chips?”
Me: “Does that affect your decision on if you’ll spend time with me?”
5-year-old: “……yeah!”
Me: “Then yes I’ll have chips.”
😒🤦♂️😒🤦♂️
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Tax questionnaires make me sad. “Still single? Still no home? No kids? Life is meaningless?” Get out of my FACE Turbo Tax
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Please hide my job in a piece of cheese or a spoonful of peanut butter
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids