It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
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Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it