I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.
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Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Every work call, he judges.
I wish mirrors and cameras would get together and figure out what I really look like.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
pelicons
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
What I said: please stop letting flies in.
What my kids heard: go in and out the door every 23 seconds and don’t close it behind you.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
I’m convinced that people are now just getting married and having babies to have something to post on FB
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.