The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
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Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
The rest of the world should fear our military.
We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Strange
“What?”
– Jude
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.