Bread puns are on the rise!
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I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
My girlfriend told me she’s “spotting” and I’m like yeah right for who? You can’t even bench 50 Lbs lol
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
i love modern commerce
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
This may be my favorite dog video ever.