YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
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I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”
[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.