“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
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Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
dogs can find happiness so easily
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
Finally, you get a cab. The driver is a golden retriever. You hop in and hope for the best
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: I just want to be able to afford to eat sometimes
Wife: What about me and the kids?
Me: I’M NOT A CANNIBAL YOU IDIOT
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check