A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
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I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
Wednesday
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart