Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
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George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Dear microwave companies,
Why make us select “cook” at all? Does my appliance have a calculator function or something?
Sincerely,
Everyone
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
Breaking news:
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
If you told Alexander Hamilton that the online lottery to see his rap musical was unavailable due to server overload, he’d be like, “WITCH!”
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea