paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
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(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
Feeling authoritative. Gonna comment “behave yourself” under pictures of people just having a good time.
What
I think Amazon is missing a big opportunity to get into the paint industry. They could make big bucks selling Amazon Primer. #tuesdaymotivations
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.