THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
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Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
*skinny dips into black hole
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
Love thy neighbor’s dog
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds