My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
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This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
i have one speed and it’s mosey
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost