Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
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Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
58.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
[explaining fingernails to an alien]
ME: like little bones that grow out of our hands.
ALIEN: ok, that sounds fake, but ok.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
The key to a clean house is dim lighting.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Terminator vs Alien vs Predator vs Robocop vs a toddler who hasn’t had a nap.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
“Dad, lil bro pooped on the floor!”
Me: Ok, just like we practiced. I’ll hide in garage, you go tell Mommy. This convo never happened! GO!
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before