I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
My life won’t stop downloading updates without my permission.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
I’ve won 5 straight games of Operation, so I am more than qualified to perform a tracheotomy.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
sometimes when I don’t want to pay the $100 therapy copay I go to my friend’s house and talk extra loud until her husband who’s working on his psych PhD goes “do you mind if I say something”
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.