Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
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The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Yesterday I wrote an email to a customer named Trish where I apologized profusely, took ownership of our mistakes, and explained we would do anything to correct the situation. I averted disaster two seconds before I sent it when I saw my typo in the first two words, “Dear Trash,”
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.