“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
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1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
Nice try, poison.
The point of your 20s