[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
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Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
These dogs look like they have good credit.
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]