Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
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People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.
Boss: What?
Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it