*paw prints all your dogs to figure out which one ate my sandwich when I went to the bathroom*
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[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
You can’t make this shit up 😩
(photo not mine, nor is the pooh)
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood