They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
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Explaining a fountain to a 3rd world country must be weird. ‘Yeah we just shoot clean water into the air and throw our extra money into it’.
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
😜
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Adulthood is getting your shit together but then forgetting where you kept it.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
Daniel LaRusso: oh man I get it, muscle memory! So the painting was teaching me-
Mr Miyagi: *smug nod* karate
Daniel: sanding the deck was-
Miyagi: karate
Daniel: and collecting your dry cleaning was-
Miyagi: anyway let’s move on
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
shampoo implies shampee
One time I was trying to get a big game to run on an old computer but it didn’t have enough free memory so I compressed the hard drive, twice. That computer never worked again, in case you’re looking for an IT guy.