[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
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Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Relationship stress can make you very confused!
Could you believe me , I entered a taxi today and forgot to sit down ?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
who wore it better?
hi yes i’d like a vodka salad please
“you mean a bloody mary”
yeah yeah whatever just hurry it up
serious question: when someone’s telling you a horrible story and they’re crying; how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.