[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
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me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.