*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
craving $300 all of a sudden
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night