*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
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Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Perfection.
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
me: I think my blood’s haunted
doctor: what
me: I think it might be full of hemogoblins
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?