[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
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doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
everyone’s a critic
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Buddhist Monk: thinking is the cause of human suffering so we must let go of the mind. This takes many years
me: you want to lose your mind?
BM: yes
me: and you aren’t allowed to marry and have children
BM: right
me: ah, I see the difficulty
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.