my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
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I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
never leave a toddler alone in a room with your burritos
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Boss: how flexible is your lunch today?
Me: *putting my chicken’s leg over his head…
“I think he’s really limber!”
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[getting fired from NASA]
Is it because I kept saying “Technically we’re already in space?”
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Natty or not?
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.