The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
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ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
*first date*
Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉
Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Okay me first
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
I will never get over the fact that a-hole and b-hole are the exact same thing
Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you