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I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
$4 #usedbooks
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
#damn
[putting on wedding dress]
me: I feel like I’m making a big mistake
maid of honor: yes the bride should be wearing that
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.