If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
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THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
OH AND JUST FYI…. THE BAGS UNDER MY EYES ARE LOUIS VUITTON
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
ME: do you have any specials
PHARMACIST: what
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Muffled whimpers, moaning, panting…
…it’s just me, taking the stairs
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”
Maroon 5 is playing. The crowd goes mild
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich