So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
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Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
I lost my job as a surgeon.
Apparently, I shouldn’t have left unfinished work over the weekend.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
I think I’ll stand
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A