Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
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My summer body has been pending for about ten years
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox