It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
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CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
I don’t know how to break it to the new dog, but ours is not a parkour house.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Today, whilst out shopping, I tried on a beautiful jacket. It was the jacket of a customer trying on another jacket and now I can never go shopping again.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Stick it to the man
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket