[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
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Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat mate.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Today I want to talk about how someone (the neighbor’s daughter) screamed so loudly about getting a new car (happy birthday) we thought someone was being murdered.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
first you must answer his riddles
*weighs self*
“Shit”
*takes clothes off*
“GODDAMMIT”
*takes tampon out*
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.