I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
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TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Overheard one half of conversation:
-I should get this Chinese tattoo removed, it’s my ex wife’s name
-Yes, she was Chinese
-No she still is Chinese she’s just not my wife any more
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know