I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
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Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
DON’T make this weird…
(I whisper in your ear, as I pet your eyebrows)
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️