So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
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Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
god: i need you to build a death star
noah: uh, what’s a death star?
god: {flipping through his notes} oh, sorry, wrong story. i need you to build an ark…
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I am having an out of money experience.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.